A Post About A Lifetime Of Being Bipolar

I was sick when this photo was taken (and didn't even know it)...

January 11, 2023

The last time I tried to write about this subject, I was surprised by the amount of rejection that it received. So much so that I pulled the post down from my site (I have since re-posted it). Don't get me wrong, I would rather write nothing but "fun" stories too, but I feel like I need to write about this subject (especially since I now realize how much it has dominated my life).

So since I got slammed for that post, I am not even going to promote this one. I do hope that people will see it, and (hopefully) find it to be a worthwhile read, but this one I am mainly writing for myself - to see if any of this makes more or less sense when I type it out rather than just think (or journal) about it.

I recently read a 2022 book titled "The Concise Guide To Bipolar Disorder". Saying that I read it is a bit of an understatement - it is more correct to say that I devoured it (in less than a full day after checking it out from the library). Not only did I, sadly, see myself in those pages, I also saw all of the post-diagnosis decisions that I made time-and-again that almost assured future problems and relapses.

I have always had a hard time putting myself first when making life decisions (big or small) that involved anyone other than just me. For someone with Bipolar Disorder, this is a recipe for disaster (for me and anyone else in my orbit at the time). If you are Bipolar and you don't make yourself a priority, you will probably end up close to where I did - broke and alone.

Of course, the most tragic part of this story (other than the pain I caused others) is that I spent two-thirds of my life being Bipolar and not even knowing it. By the time I knew, I had already burned most all of my support "village" to the ground. What's worse is that I was never told how important therapy & a regular sleep schedule was to the treatment & maintenance for someone struggling with Bipolar Disorder.

The book I read was a huge eye-opener in this regard.

My first recollection of Bipolar behavior on my part goes all the way back to my teenage years. So many things I did were outside of what I consider to be my core character and values. My behavior(s) cost me many friends and my first marriage (as they should have).

I went to see a therapist - I was not diagnosed as Bipolar, and was not even prescribed any medication. Life moved on...

The next time I now realize that I was out of control was during my time working at Bullwinkle's - the hours were irregular, and the day-to-day work stress was very high. During this time I went into big debt planning & executing a surprise dinosaur birthday party for my brother - great idea (and it was fun), but the lengths I went to pulling it off were excessive. Then I got hit by the car while riding my bike, and went into an (understandable) depression for almost a year.

Electronic Arts was the greatest place I ever had the privilege of working at, but the work hours & stress definitely caused me to cycle, spend, and (unfortunately) hurt myself & others. All of the LaserDiscs, and Disney watches, and gadgets, and Disneyland trips (most of which I really couldn't afford), were all part of this (at that time) undiagnosed illness.

I now realize, even if I were to have been diagnosed and treated during that time, being in the "games biz" (especially on the production side) is not a good place for someone who is Bipolar to be.

After a couple of more stops with no diagnosis, I ended up at what I always thought would be my "dream job" - working for Disney!

Disney Interactive was, by far, the worst place I ever worked in the software industry. They were not in the "video game business", they were in the "property licensing & check cashing business". The horrible environment did prompt the scariest behavior of my pre-diagnosis life - I started blacking out some days while driving to work, and waking up (safely every time, thank goodness) some place my mind wanted to take me other than work - sometimes it was the beach, other times it was a movie theater, and my favorite times were when I "came to" in or around Disneyland.

This behavior did prompt me to seek a psychiatrist - she had several sessions with me before diagnosing me as Bipolar. She was great, but with me unable to stay in my job at Disney, I couldn't continue treatment with her. I had my meds for the first time (good), but no ongoing counseling (very bad). Sadly, when the refills ran out, I didn't have meds either.

That didn't last long (thankfully) - upon returning to San Diego County with my Bride (and Java), I got back into therapy & on my meds. This also didn't last as long as it should have. More job movement, and insurance changes, and I had neither again.

Then I found my last "good" job - regular hours, challenging work, and good insurance. I was already participating in endurance events by this time too (regular exercise is also supposed to help).

This era was the most stable time that I have had post-diagnosis. Sadly, even with all of the "good" I didn't know just how important therapy was to my continued maintenance (I was on my meds, but didn't know that wasn't all that I needed to be doing), and this would lead to a (predictable now) relapse, loss of my last "good" job, and my first mental health hospitalization.

From here, there were a lot of ups and downs that eventually led to my (near) "death spiral". I am not going to delve back into the details of that. All I will say is that it took me 3+ years to find the courage & clarity to finally reach out for any kind of help.

The author of the book I read wrote about the treatment & maintenance of Bipolar Disorder as a three-legged stool - Therapy, Medication, and Time Management. During my post-diagnosis life, the vast majority of the time, I only had one of those three - medication. I didn't know how important it was to make therapy a high priority, and (during many times) my sleep schedule would also be an issue.

Is it any wonder that I relapsed time-and-time again???

Now that I have read that book, and am also living out the aftermath of having only been medicated most of the time, no, it is not a surprise at all.

I didn't make my ongoing mental health needs a priority, and I destroyed myself by not doing so (and damaged everyone else around me in the process).

While I know that this falls into the "(way) too little, (way) too late" category, I can now say that, at this time, I have a very balanced "three-legged stool" - I am in therapy, I am taking my meds as prescribed, and I manage my sleep schedule like a hawk.

Too bad almost everyone and everything is gone now...

So, if our paths crossed at some point and I was talking really fast and/or being overly energetic, congratulations - you probably witnessed me being manic / hypomanic.

If I was overly short, terse, or angry with you (over a period of time of more than an instant), you saw it too. In my "natural state", I am so docile and easily dominated that it was / is a threat to my ongoing mental health.

If you ever wondered why I was so quiet around you so much of the time - you saw the other, depressed, end of this pendulum.

I know that I directly hurt many of the people who might be reading this. Saying there was no motive in my doing so doesn't really do any good (even though it is true). I do know who I am at my core...I just wish I knew everything that I needed to do earlier so that I might have been capable of presenting it to the world more of the time...

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Please read another of the "Top Posts" (if you haven't already... Almost all of them are a lot more fun!