
"Happy isn't 'happy'"
- Happy Keller
- Feb 27, 2023
- 3 min read
Updated: Feb 28, 2023
Bing Gordon said this as he left his post as the head of Production at Electronic Arts to go back to a more comfortable place (Marketing). I remember it vividly because I always viewed myself as a very upbeat and positive person. As I look back on things now, Bing was right.
I, like so many other people in this world, have always wanted to "belong". However, the lengths I was willing to go to try and achieve this knew no bounds (especially when my Bipolar Disorder was cycling). All of them, of course, failed in the end.
The other truth in my life, other than that I am Bipolar, is that I have always viewed myself as a failure, and that everything I ever try to do is going to end up in failure. I catastrophize everything!
Of course, when you take a look at where I have ended up, wouldn't you agree that it is the definition of "failure"?
I believe all of this wanting to belong, as well as my feeling of being a failure, started just after I discovered my Mom during / after her failed suicide attempt. Of course, at the moment I discovered her, I had no idea that she had failed to take her own life.
I was only 10 years old when this occurred, and it helped change me into the person that just wanted to cling to anyone / anything that I could grasp onto. This fed into my Bipolar Disorder and has produced some wildly psychotic behavior over the years.
As a kid, I thought that I had failed my Mom, and that was why she tried to kill herself. Not true, I hope, but the start of a lifetime feeling that there was / is nothing but failure for me to look forward to.
As an adult, it probably led me towards thinking that nothing I ever did was "good enough" to "belong", and that I would fail at anything that I tried.
My therapist is trying to challenge me about thinking this way. Given that my entire life's belief system has been built off of me viewing myself as a failure, I have grave doubts that he will be able to sway my thinking... (no, the irony is not lost on me)...
The bottom line here is that I don't "belong" to anyone or any group of people or organization.
The longest non-familial relationship of my life ended with that person having no contact with me (and even blocking me on Facebook), and my closest family members aren't having me either.
If that isn't failure, then I don't know what is...
I am glad that you who have found yourself here are reading this. I know that many of you consider me to be a "friend". I thank you for that too. Sadly, in my head, this only means that I never got close enough to you to fail you too.
While it might seem as though I am feeling sorry for myself - I am not - I am just stating the "facts" that are in my head (and have been there for decades).
I do feel sorry for my therapist - how is he going to overcome my thoughts / feelings about my failing / being a failure... He has an uphill battle!
He has asked me to write three things in my mood diary that I am grateful for each day. He might get tired of the repetition (since my current list is so short and rarely expands), but I will comply.
Okay... I am going to stop writing this entry now, or I will fail at this too...
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